Let Me Ask My Husband
Five big life lessons from my first year of marriage.
Disclaimer - Scott has given permission for this article and it’s personal content. In fact, he’s the in-house editor of YGL… bless that man.
Yesterday marked four years since the day I met Scott, and one year since the day we said “I do”. As I reflected on my first year of marriage and all the life lessons I’ve learned, I did what I always do and turned it into a personal essay of sorts. Before we dive into the article, I’ll share some quick background information. Scott is a registered counsellor, I’m a psychology major, and we both identify as ‘Type A’ individuals. We are constantly learning and growing, striving to become better versions of ourselves and better partners as a couple. We’re primed for navigating other humans, but this doesn’t mean our relationship has been a cake walk. We’ve had the hard conversations, shed the tears, and stood back up after falling on our faces numerous times. We’ve made mistakes and pushed the boundaries, but most importantly, we’ve continued to try.
The lessons I’ve learned with Scott over the past four years can easily translate into any type of partnership (romantic interest, friendship, colleague, family member, etc.). There’s still so much for me to learn, but here are five big life lessons I’ve put together so far…
1. Forget 50/50 - it doesn’t exist.
One of the questions Scott asked me during our first interview date was: “If you were a piece of playground equipment, which would you be and why?”
Yes, he really did ask me this, along with several other personality type questions. I answered the swing set because it represents how my life has had great highs and lows. Sometimes swinging with no hands, other times gripping on for dear life, but mostly just trying to enjoy the view with the wind in my hair. When I think about the swing set in terms of this article, I’m reminded that relationships are like two people swinging next to each other. Sometimes the swings sway in unison, but mostly the swings are going at their own pace on their own track, completely out of sync from their partners. It’s rarely, if ever, a perfect 50/50!
Brené Brown covers this topic quite well by sharing an example of what she does with her husband - remember this video that went viral? They have a personal check-in to quantify where they’re at on a scale of 1-100 (in terms of energy, kindness, and patience). If you present at a 20, the other can say: I’ve got you covered today, I’m soaring at an 80! Or, they can say: I’m riding a solid 15, let’s make a plan. Anytime the combined unit comes up with less than 100, a plan needs to be in place to avoid fights, chaos, and damage. So brilliant!
I think a lot of people (myself included) go into relationships expecting some sort of perfect balance. I will give this much, and I will expect this much in return - easy peasy, right? But life doesn’t guarantee you a 50 on your scorecard everyday, and the same goes for your partner. Arthur Brooks of The Atlantic writes: “Splitting things equally militates against one of the most important elements of love: generosity—a willingness to give more than your share in a spirit of abundance, because giving to someone you care for is pleasurable in itself.” Being generous with the time and attention you have to spare is such a gift these days. One way you can really demonstrate this in relationships is by acknowledging bids… which leads us to our next point.
2. Acknowledge bids for connection and pass the ball back.
I used to think that responding to a bid would send a message to Scott that I’m fully available - and oftentimes, I was in the middle of doing something when his bids arrived. So I would avoid them or make a mental note to acknowledge them later, not realizing that my rejection was painful and potentially damaging. Once I started acknowledging more bids, I realized sometimes all Scott wanted was to be acknowledged. A quick 30-seconds to say: you have been heard, you are important to me, and I would love to discuss this with you at (insert time). A much nicer message than ‘I’m too busy for you right now’.
So what’s a bid anyway? Simply put, a request for connection. Bids can be small, big, verbal, or non-verbal. They can show up as texts, a question, an invite, a wink, sharing a story, or commenting on something you’re watching together. Logan Ury of The Gottman Institute writes: “Bids are often purposely subtle because people are afraid to be vulnerable and put themselves out there. It’s scary to say, ‘Hey! I want to connect! Pay attention to me!’.”
So how do we answer bids? Be attentive. Put your phone down when answering a question, make eye contact. Listen, listen, listen, and then ask furthering questions to build trust, show your interest, and emotionally invest. We likely won’t ever be able to respond to 100% of bids, we simply don’t have the time, but aim to respond to as many as you can. Don’t forget to pass the ball back though, making bids yourself is just as important as responding to them. To keep the engine of your relationship machine running well, keep the ball moving - back and forth, back and forth.
3. View it as a start-up company, not a merger.
Let’s view relationships as a business for a minute. If you tried to merge two separate lives with established habits, policies, and trajectories, you would run into all sorts of road blocks. However, if you were to join two co-founders together for a brand new venture project that’s built on the alignment of future goals and values, you’re more likely to be successful.
Would you believe me if I told you we scheduled marriage meetings? Well you should, because I warned you that we are both Type-A individuals. Without sounding too emotionless, relationships really are a form of business, and you wouldn’t run a business without having a meeting every now and again with your co-founder would you? Scott and I try and bring something to talk about from each of these three categories to our meetings:
Recognition: something you’ve noticed and appreciated lately.
Room For Improvement: constructive criticism or something that has been bothering you that you have a solution for (or would like to work together towards a solution).
Discussion: something of value (an article about relationships, a great podcast episode, something new you want to try, etc.).
At the end of the day, we both want this business (and it’s co-founders) to be wildly successful. By having a designated time to discuss harder topics, it lowers the emotional reactions and responses. It’s important to note: there is a big difference between pain and damage. Saying something constructive about another person can be painful, but it can also lead to growth and increase awareness. Not saying anything, letting resentment build, and lashing out when you can no longer take it is more likely to lead to damage. It breaks trust and demonstrates that you don’t have the best interests for the relationship at heart. Causing small amounts of pain and being there to help repair is much more loving than waiting for things to change and causing damage. Which leads me into a great topic… fighting.
4. It’s not about avoiding fights, it’s making sure you fight well.
I’ve never trusted those couples who say they’ve yet to have a fight with their partner… sorry if that’s you! It’s most definitely not Scott and I. We’re both opinionated individuals with strong dominant personalities - passion exists in our household, and we’re grateful for it. Having disagreements isn’t the problem, it’s making sure everyone feels heard after the fact. The most important part of a fight is a great repair!
This simple YouTube comic shares some good wisdom about repairing after a fight. It offers the question “How have I scared you?”. This was game-changer for me because I realized my fear of abandonment was (so conveniently) showing up during fights. I would hold back on saying things in fear that ‘Scott might leave’, which led to damaging comments (rather than the painful but repairable ones we talked about earlier). Once it was on the table that I held this fear, Scott could say “I’m not going to leave” and we could continue with the conversation we needed to have in a much more rational way.
Often a great repair comes with a great apology. Just like in childhood, you say the word ‘sorry’ and everyone gets to go back to playing with blocks again, right? Unfortunately, it’s not that simple. According to Esther Perel: “A good apology puts the relationship first. It doesn’t find a way to justify what you did or go tit-for-tat with the other person. Repair, in general, puts the good of the collective above the interests of the individual - even when you want to scream, slam a door, bring up what they did, or ignore them for the next three days”. The main ingredients for a successful apology include: awareness for what you did, responsibility for your actions, and acknowledgment of how this impacted the other person. I’m still working on my apologies to be honest, it’s one of those fine skills that takes practice and patience to master. But before we go down the rabbit hole of delicately crafted apologies, let’s talk about the bread and butter of all relationships…
5. The name of the game is communication, baby!
I came into this relationship thinking I was a pretty decent communicator, but after hitting up the communication gym with Scott a few times, I left feeling like I had just got my butt kicked. I was so out of shape, it felt like my first spin class all over again. How could this be? I communicated with people everyday, was successful in my job, and had lots of friendships, where did I go wrong?
It turns out I was a good factual communicator, but not a good emotional one. I didn’t grow up in a household that communicated feelings or processed through challenges together. My emotions were a solo mission that I single handedly perfected and excelled at over the past two decades. Yes, storing them away is how I excellently dealt with them. Meticulously sorted, carefully filed, and then ejected into the abyss never to be bothered with again. Well, until Scott got me to go collect them all.
Without communication, Scott and I wouldn’t be half the team we are today. It hasn’t been an easy skill to learn, but it’s been the most rewarding by far. You may have noticed that communication was at the core of each of the above points, it really is the bread and butter of all relationships. Esther Perel put this brilliant little card game together to help people communicate and connect through personal story telling. It’s a great tool for those who don’t naturally gravitate towards communication. Dare I say a holiday gift to bring home to the family? There isn’t a perfect solution or a one-size-fits-all way to help you strengthen your communication skills. It’s something you need to commit to, practice, and be willing to fall down and try again. It takes courage and vulnerability, but I promise you it’s worth it. Find someone you feel comfortable and safe around, and flex those muscles. It’s just like going to the gym, but for your feelings.
Well, there you have it. A few of the lessons I’ve learned through my years with Scott. He’s my best friend and favourite person in this lifetime - happy anniversary my love!
They say true love never changes you, it reveals you.
As a volunteer counsellor at our local clinic and a vast ocean of information, Scott has helped a lot of people through hard situations. I’m excited for the opportunity to share his skills and passion with all of you in 2024! We’ve been manifesting this little project for a while now and I’m excited to see it taking form. Please let me know what you think in the comments. Have a great weekend everyone!
Heading into the 6 month mark of my marriage and I gracefully found this in my substack feed, what a wonderful reflection! i found myself wanting to restack every section!
Happy Anni!!! These grounded foundations of a marriage 🙏🏼 (and please, please join me in the land of podcasting with one’s husband).